


Creature Discomforts

by Lomarien



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Chickens, F/M, Kissing, battle chicken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 17:26:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10644600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lomarien/pseuds/Lomarien
Summary: Garrus learns about chickens and the origin of his nickname.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I was talking with a friend about Garrus being called 'battle chicken' within the Mass Effect fandom. I do not know how pervasive this nickname is, but it amused me to think of Garrus learning the creature origins of Shepard’s pet name for him. This ficlet is the result.

“Remind me why we are staying here, Shepard?” Garrus asked, leaning on the wooden fence watching several pigs roll in the mud. Pigs were dirty creatures and he was certain their food had been eaten at least once already; this was not his ideal way to spend a week of shore leave.

“I want to escape the bustle of the cities for a few days. The rural countryside is diminishing and I want to enjoy it before it disappears. Plus, a farm is a great place to show you some of earth’s docile creatures.”

“I can understand that.” Garrus liked the apparent freedom country living provided. There was no administrative red tape to hinder his daily work and he enjoyed performing calibrations and repairs on the farm equipment, but he was not fond of animals—he had fought enough varren and thresher maws to last an asari lifetime—and he was still adjusting to the lack of gunfire. But Garrus was not here for himself. He would spend this week living on a farm to make Shepard happy. Besides, there was always something new to learn about earth.

Shepard and Garrus held hands as they walked up the hillside away from the pigs. As they reached the barn, Garrus saw a dozen small yellow animals pecking at the dirt.

“What are these adorable little creatures?” he asked Shepard.

“Chicks, Garrus. Those are baby chickens.”

Garrus picked up one of the chicks who peeped loudly. “Chickens? But these are cute. I thought chickens were dangerous. Good in a fight. Not to be messed with. Why else would you call me battle chicken?”

“Trust me, you don’t want to make a chicken mad.”

“I’ll have to take your word for it, Shepard.” Garrus held the chick up to examine it closer. “It’s hard to believe this yellow ball of fluff could do any harm. It has no teeth. It doesn’t even growl.”

“Would you feel better if I told you chickens swallow their food whole?”

“Yes, a little.” Garrus put the chick down and watched it scamper back to the others.

“They have to swallow their food whole because they can’t chew,” Shepard continued. “As you said, no teeth. They eat small rocks that grind up food in their stomachs.”

“Rocks? What is the point of these creatures?”

“We eat them.”

“Seriously? Next you are going to tell me they can’t fly with those wings.”

“That’s right. They can only flutter.”

“Damn it, Shepard. So a chicken is a cute, flightless bird that has no teeth, eats rocks, and is food for humans?”

“Yes.”

“And you think calling me battle chicken is…”

“Adorable.” Garrus was not amused, but Shepard could not suppress her smile.

“Not the image I’m going for,” Garrus said. He crossed his arms and furrowed his brow.

Shepard moved closer and put her arms around Garrus’s neck. “What if I’m into adorable, flightless battle chickens? I’ve heard they are kinky. Is that true?”

“Perhaps,” Garrus said, turning his head away from her. He would not let Shepard win so easily. “But we don’t put out for just anybody. There are very important mating rituals that must be performed.”

“Do these rituals involve this?” Shepard nipped at the side of his neck before forcing him to sit down on a small bale of hay. She straddled his legs with her knees resting on the hay and kissed him, hard. Garrus leaned back reaching behind to brace himself under the force of the kiss, but he only touched air. The hay bale flipped over and they toppled backwards into the dirt nearly landing on a brown hen. The surprised chicken began pecking the side of Garrus’s head in retaliation.

Shepard rolled off of Garrus as he covered his face with his arms. “Ow, ow, ow!” he yelled. He sat up and tried back away but the chicken fluttered after him pecking relentlessly. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I scared you. Please leave me alone! Shepard! I thought you said farm animals were docile?”

Shepard just laughed. “I also warned you not to make a chicken mad!”


End file.
